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Need a Laugh?
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: I recognize
that religious humor can be risky. It is my hope that by laughing
at ourselves (and others) Ican make this subject more approachable.
If you find any of these objectionable, I apologize. As with
most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but I thank them.
March 9, 2010
Wild Bill: Linda, when I die, will you marry again?
Linda: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.
Wild Bill: Will you let him drive my car?
Linda: Well, I think so.
Wild Bill: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?
Linda: Maybe.
Wild Bill: Will you let him have my gold watch?
Linda: Maybe.
Wild Bill: Will you let him wear my nice suits?
Linda: No, he is shorter than you Wild Bill !
March 5, 2010
Soon after we were married, I became upset by Linda's strange
behavior. Emerging from a sound sleep in the morning, she'd give
me a swift blow to the head. Once fully awake, she was baffled
by her actions. Then one morning she reached over to hit the snooze
control on her alarm clock -- and suddenly recalled that it was
no longer located at arm's length to her right.
March 3, 2010
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo
some counseling from the marriage therapist to see if their union
could be saved.
The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folks were
absolutely determined to go through with the separation leading
to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said:
"But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for
72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand
each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait
until all the children died before we split up."
February 26, 2010
Shortly after our 23-year-old daughter, the "Microwave Princess,"
moved into an apartment, she came to our house for dinner. As
we were doing the dishes, she asked if she could take the leftovers
home. Pleased that she had enjoyed the meal, I packed the food
in microwaveable containers. She had been gone an hour when I
heard footsteps running up to our front door. I opened it, and
there she stood with a sly grin. She had invited a young man over
for a home-cooked dinner the next day, and she needed to borrow
some pots and pans for "special effects."
February 25, 2010
On Father’s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast
in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it
into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,’’Try
it dad.’’
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so
strong. The little boy asks,’’How do you like it Dad?’’
The dad doesn’t want to hurt the little boy’s feelings
so he says, ’’This is....something else, I’ve
never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.’’
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ’’Drink
some more Pops.’’
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom
of the cup, and says,’’Hey! Why did you put army men
in here?’’
The little boy again smiles and sings,’’The Best
Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.’’
February 23, 2010
Newly married, Linda and I were doing errands and discussing current
events. Soon we got into an argument over the issues. I reiterated
my position forcefully, but Linda had the last word. "When
I knew I'd found Mr. Right," she snapped, "I had no
idea his first name was Always!"
February 19, 2010
Linda & I are approaching our 65th birthdays, and for the
most part, we feel fine.
A few weeks ago we had just gotten into bed when I noticed
Linda taking an extra amount of time smoothing out her nightgown,
then pulling up the covers and smoothing them out, and then
finally going to work smoothing out her pillow.
After watching all this activity for a while, I finally asked,
"What are you doing?"
"Well," Linda replied, "I don't like to sleep
on wrinkles."
I replied. "At our age Linda, how can you avoid it?"
February 17, 2010
"Good heavens! Who did your hair Linda? It looks like a wig!"
"It is a wig Wild Bill." "Really? I could never tell."
February 16, 2010
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight
attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked
us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked
for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates,
we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For
the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes.
And Wild Bill in seat 12F who guessed 105 years, would you please
step off the plane once we are airborne."
February 11, 2010
Linda was reading a newspaper while I was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this Wild Bill,"
she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering
to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm,"
I said, not looking up from my magazine. Teasing me, Linda said,
"Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," I told
her. "How sweet," Linda said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more
than half over," I said.
February 10, 2010
Linda & I were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, I realized that the
next day, I would need Linda to wake me at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (and LOSE), I wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM ." I left it where I knew she would find
it.
The next morning, I woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and I had missed my flight. Furious , I was about to go and
see why Linda hadn't wakened me, when I noticed a piece of paper
by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."
February 9, 2010
Although a bright and able man, Wild Bill is almost completely
helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.
One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend,
Betty, had taught her husband Art to cook, sew and do laundry,
and that if anything ever happened to Betty, Art would be able
to care for himself.
Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to
me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment, Wild Bill
said happily, "I'd move in with Art."
February 4, 2010
Back in my real Wild Bill days, I got in a fight one time with
a really big guy, and he said, "Wild Bill, I'm going to mop the
floor with your face!" I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh,
yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, It's not very absorbent and you won't
be able to get into the corners very well."
February 3, 2010
When I was in Council, Idaho last weekend, I stayed with Pastor
Robert & Diane at their house. I complained the whole weekend
about having to sleep upstairs at one end of the house and the
bathroom was downstairs at the other end of the house. I told
his congregation that it was cruel and unusual punishment when
I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. So I sent
him & Diane this e-mail a few minutes ago.
Howdy Pastor Robert! Last night I dreamt I was still sleeping
at your house in Council. I had to go to the bathroom and so
I started that long walk to the other end of the house. When
I got there it was real cold in the bathroom as usual. All of
a sudden I woke up with the shouts of some guy! It was my neighbor
three blocks down from our house yelling at me to stop going
to the bathroom in his yard. He had a gun, but thank the Lord
he didn't use it.
Next time, you and Diane are sleeping upstairs!
God Bless You Two and thank you for everything! Wild Bill
January 29, 2010
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo
some counseling from the marriage therapist to see if their union
could be saved. The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The
old folks were absolutely determined to go through with the separation
leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor
said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married
for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??" To which the
wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the
last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children
died before we split up."
January 28, 2010
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored
the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone!" he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly.
Nine times out of ten, it's for you!”
January 26, 2010
I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going
through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product
featuring a real handsome guy with hair a shade that I liked.
Wanting a second opinion, I asked my Linda, "How do you think
this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" Linda
looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and
studied it again. "Just great, Wild Bill."
January 22, 2010
Linda went to the police station with our friend Betty Heidrich
to report that I was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
Linda said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark
wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds and is soft-spoken."
Betty protested, "Wild Bill is 6 foot 2 inches, chubby, short
hair and has a big mouth." Linda replied, "Yes, but who wants
HIM back?”
January 19, 2010
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When
Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told
her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking
him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
January 18, 2010
I visited a marriage counselor and complained, “When Linda
& I were first married, I would come home from the office,
Linda would bring my slippers and our cute little dog Samantha
would run around barking. Now after seven years it’s all
different, I come home, Samantha brings the slippers and Linda
runs around barking.”
“Why complain Wild Bill?” said the counselor, “You’re
still getting the same service!”
January 15, 2010
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding
and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: 'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for
our wedding gifts, please.'
January 11, 2010
Dave Khoury keeps wanting me to fly to Vegas with him. "No
way am I getting on an airplane," is my inevitable answer.
"Look, Wild Bill, when it's your time to go, it doesn't
matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," I told him. "I just don't want to
be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
January 4, 2010
"Linda," asked Trudi thoughtfully one day, "what would you do
if you caught Wild Bill with another woman?" "Another woman with
Wild Bill?" Linda thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane,
shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution
she escaped from."
December 31, 2009
God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God
asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies "Everything is just perfect
here. The only thing I have to complain about is that I am lonely
most of the time." God thinks for a minute and says " Well Adam,
I can give you a mate that will cook for you, clean up after you,
and love you forever and ever" "That would be great" Adam says
"But it sure sounds expensive, what would that cost me?" " An
arm and a leg" God says. Adam thinks for a minute and asks God
" What can I get for a rib?"
December 30, 2009
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the
young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study
for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young
man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable,
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter
to live in, as she’s accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and
God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you
support children?"
"Don’t worry, sir, God will provide," replies
the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young man insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the
good news is he thinks I’m God."
December 29, 2009
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir
was awful this morning." The father commented, "The sermon was
too long." Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit
it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
December 28, 2009
I decided to take up jogging, and being a middle-aged man was
astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at
the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging
shoe, I noticed a feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's
this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh Wild Bill,
that's to carry spare change so you can call Linda to come pick
you up when you've jogged too far."
December 25, 2009
One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle
of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut
across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them
to the other side. 'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That
guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'
December 24, 2009
Linda & I were visiting the modern art museum, and I turned,
pointed at a picture and asked the attendant, "I suppose, this
is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Wild Bill," replied the attendant. "That one’s called a mirror."
December 23, 2009
Linda bought me a new shampoo for men who are going bald, called
"Whats's the Point?"
December 21, 2009
Linda retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to
think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several
months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for
lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," Linda replied.
A few weeks later Linda had to go downtown on business and invited
me to join her afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese
place we both like," she suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant
the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
Linda looked up, a twinkle in her eyes and said, "Separate checks,
please..."
December 18, 2009
Linda: Doctor, Wild Bill thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Linda: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get
the Arts & Crafts channel.
December 17, 2009
I visited a marriage counselor and complained, “When Linda
& I were first married, I would come home from the office,
Linda would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different, I
come home, the dog brings the slippers and Linda runs around barking.”
“Why complain?” said the counselor, “You’re
still getting the same service!”
December 16, 2009
I think I am a very thoughtful husband. I wanted to give Linda
something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As
I sat on the edge of the bed, I watched Linda turning back and
forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Linda,"
I said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
Linda continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like
to be six again."
I knew just what I was going to do. On the big day, I got up
early and made Linda a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then I took her
to an amusement park where we rode all the rides. Five hours
later, Linda's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling.
Never the less, I took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a
movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Linda wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on
the bed, I asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to
be six again?"
Linda looked up at me. Her expression changed. She said, "Wild
Bill, I meant my dress size!"
December 15, 2009
Last night I dreamt Linda was on the witness stand, accused of
poisoning me.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast
table and watched Wild Bill drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel
the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney
prompted.
"Yes," Linda replied, "I think there was one
moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
Needless to say, I wasn't very happy with Linda whn I woke up!
December 14, 2009
When Linda & I got married we left on our honeymoon. When
we got back, Linda immediately called her mother. Her mother asked,
"How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But,
Mama, as soon as we returned, Wild Bill started using the most
horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all
these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take
me home.... Please Mama!"
"Linda," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me,
what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the Linda.
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me,
please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, Linda said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST,
WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
December 11, 2009
It was testimony night at Pastor John Capen's church. All of a
sudden Linda got up and said, "We are living in a wicked
land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with
the old devil all week." That's when I decided to get up
and speak my mind and said, "It's not all my fault either;
Linda's pretty tough to get along with too!"
December 10, 2009
Linda & I were driving our RV across the country and were
nearing a town spelled Kissimee. We noted the strange spelling
and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me;
kis-a-ME. Wegrew more perplexed as we drove into the town.
Since we were hungry, we pulled into a place to get something
to eat. At the counter, Linda said to the waitress:
"My husband and I can't seem to be able to figure out
how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and
say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at Linda and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
December 4, 2009
Linda went to the police station with our next-door neighbor to
report that I was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "Wild Bill's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken,
and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested,
"But Linda, Wild Bill is 64, 6foot 3, a little overweight and
a starving musician." Linda replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
December 3, 2009
Pastor John Capen was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider
of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling
with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can’t you see, Ben," intoned Pastor John, "that
not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.
December 2, 2009
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man
that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being
the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go,
is to say,
"Hallelujah!"
And the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got
on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began
to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped
immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah",
he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon
he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word
to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried.
The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no...
'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The
donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
closer to the cliff edge.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...
"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before
I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge
of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
December 1, 2009
Linda & I were driving very slowly down the highway. A State
Trooper pulls us over. "What have I done wrong, officer?"
Linda asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against
that," the officer says to Linda. "You must go at least
50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!"
Linda replied.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That
is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
Linda Leaned back in her car seat and the cop sees me sitting
beside her. I looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to Wild Bill?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but he has been that way ever since we got
off of interstate 160."
November 30, 2009
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains
to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks
her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism
is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into
the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy
has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why
she has decided to be different.
"Because, I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom
is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she
says loudly.
"What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot.
What would you be then?"
Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!"
November 24, 2009
When Linda & I were opening our wedding gifts. After unwrapping
each package Linda would exclaim enthusiastically, "We can
really use these towels" or "We'll enjoy eating on these
pretty dishes." Then she opened one very large box. It contained
a vacuum cleaner. "Wild Bill," Linda said, "look
what you got."
November 24, 2009
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was
not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out
for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and
1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not
what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start
with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again
surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never
thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham
Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought
really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on
a murder case!"
November 23, 2009
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three
sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely
be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful
Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win
her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these
so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained
for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any
verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word.
How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the
old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just
gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one
room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of.
I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she
explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has
everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I
really don't like that driver, so please return the car." Next,
she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank
you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
November 20, 2009
HOld Age Quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old
husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when
they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman
who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement.
Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble
with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.
November 19, 2009
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
November 18, 2009
My wife Linda has a terrible memory - she never forgets anything.
November 17, 2009
The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas
when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside
and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was
Jesus.
November 16, 2009
The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas
when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside
and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was
Jesus.
We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did
you get the baby Jesus?"
The boy answered honestly, "In the church."
"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.
"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord
Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that
if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."
November 13, 2009
Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords? During a recent
password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following
password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked
why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters
long.
November 12, 2009
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with
the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant
at the scene?" "Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.
"Was the area well lit?" "No. It was pretty dark." "Then how could
you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned. Looking at me
as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."
November 11, 2009
Today is my wife Linda's Birthday! The most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
November 10, 2009
I was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the
lawyer asked me to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion
of the events leading up to the incident, I finally got around
to the meat of the case.
"...and then Linda hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?"
said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" I exclaimed. "It was the
leaf from the center of our dining room table."
November 9, 2009
In the course of an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep
got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging nearby and
asked them for help. "Sorry, sir," replied one, "but we've been
classified dead and are not to participate in any way." The C.O.
turned to his driver. "Private," he barked, "go drag a couple
of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels
to give us some traction." He got his pushers.
November 5, 2009
Linda & I drove several miles down a country road, not saying
a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither
of us wanted to concede our position.
As we passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, I sarcastically
asked, 'Are they relatives of yours?'
'Yes,' Linda replied. 'I married into the family.'
November 5, 2009
Linda found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted
her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But
you must do one more thing before you can enter."
Linda was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must
do.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" Linda asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
Linda promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is
love. L-O-V-E."
St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind
taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took
a break. So Linda is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when
I, Wild Bill, approaches the gates, and she realizes it is me.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
I stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset
when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really
make it to Heaven?"
"Not yet," Linda replied, "You must spell a
word first."
"What word?" I asked.
Linda responded, "Czechoslovakia."
November 4, 2009
In Florida, where I was an assistant U.S. Attorney, I was cross-examining
a defendant on trial for drug possession. A counterfeit Social
Security card bearing his name had been found in his wallet when
he was arrested. In my line of questioning, I reached the topic
of the phony card. "This card is in your name, correct?" He replied
that it was. "Is this a real Social Security card?" I asked. "I
certainly hope so," he replied. "I paid $50 for it."
November 3, 2009
In conversation, my adult son Larry expressed concern about my
future. Confident in my children's love, I announced, "I'm not
going to worry about old age. I have four kids, and I'll just
spend three months with each one." "Yes," Larry replied, "but
what are you going to do the second year?"
November 2, 2009
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond,
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed
back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the
mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed
it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps telling me I've got mail!"
October 29, 2009
Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right
all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix
anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street
blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and
avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in
them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew
how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure
up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died.
I married his widow.
October 27, 2009
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how
many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
October 26, 2009
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but
it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that
extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire
you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty
for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going
to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
October 23, 2009
There once was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi fishing in a
boat together. One day, the priest said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped
out of the boat. He then walked on water and took a drink from
a booth on the beach. The next day, the minister said, "I'm thirsty,"
and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and also
took a drink from a booth on the beach. On the third day, the
rabbi said, "I'm thirsty". But as soon as he stepped out of the
boat, he drowned. The minister looked at the priest and said,
"Think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?"
October 22, 2009
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou
shall not kill."
October 20, 2009
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three
young boys.
Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in
the whole world.
The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and vuala...
that summer he was in Disney Land.
The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough
the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.
The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup
holders and hydrolics.
Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked
out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.
The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds
out that I saved you".
October 19, 2009
Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde
was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had
to be at least 8 characters long.
October16, 2009
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
October14, 2009
Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being taken
seriously in the Army. A mustache, he assumed, would fix that.
He was wrong.
"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor after spotting
the growth during inspection. "What's so special about
your nose that it's got to be underlined?"
October13, 2009
When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients
was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before
I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World
War II veteran, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where
he'd be eligible for benefits.
The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from
the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."
October12, 2009
Dave Khoury invited Linda and me to his house for dinner. Dave
preceded every request to his wife Trudi by endearing terms, calling
her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
I was so impressed since they had been married almost 50 years.
While Trudy & Linda were off in the kitchen, I said to Dave,
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've
been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
Dave just sort of hung his head. "To tell you the truth
Wild Bill, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
October 9, 2009
Linda was reading a newspaper while I was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, Wild Bill"
she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering
to exchange his wife for a season ticket to the Montana Grizzlies."
"Hmmm," I said, not looking up from my magazine. Teasing
me, Linda said, "Would you exchange me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not,Linda" I said. "How sweet,"
Linda said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than
half over," Isaid.
October 8, 2009
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get
to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give
me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized
gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start
it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic
transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it
to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute
passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at
me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit
clearer with my directions.
October, 7, 2009
Linda & I have noticed that we're beginning to forget many
little things.
Like last night Linda said, "Wild Bill, will you please
go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't
you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," I said, "I can remember a dish of
ice cream!"
"Well," said Linda, "I'd also like some strawberries
on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," I replied. "A dish of ice
cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream
on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget,"
said Linda.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," I said.
"No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream."
With that, I shut the kitchen door behind me. Linda could hear
me getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent
with my preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped
cream. I emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to Linda, I presented her with a plate of bacon
and eggs. Linda took one look at the plate, glanced up at me
and said, "Wild Bill, , where's the toast?"
October 6th - 2009 - One day Linda came up to me and told me
that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?"
I asked.
"No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told me that the porch
was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" I
asked.
"No," she said again.
A few minutes later she came back and told me the toilet was
backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
A couple of days later I went on a business trip.
When I came back I asked how things had been.
"Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street
came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged
our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" I wondered.
"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss,"
she told ME.
"What did you do?" I asked.
She looked at me smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker
written anywhere on my forehead?"
October 4th, 2009 - At the party, one woman asked Linda, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Linda
replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
October 2-2009 - Wild Bill: Let's go out on the town tonight and
have some fun.
Linda: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave
the front door open.
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women - October 1-2009
1.Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to
think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay
for your mistake.
3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something"
and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with
"Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4.Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour.
(Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when
it's your turn to do some chores around the house.
5.Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or
faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
6.Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing
with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous
statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked
a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself.
(This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.
I handed my boss a printout that had been run off on my home computer.
Since I had neglected to tear apart the perforated pages, he had
to struggle to read the material. After flipping the pages back
and forth and losing his place several times, he unfolded the
entire document and let it stretch across a table and onto the
floor. "Don't you find it ironic," he said, "that
after years of technological advancement we have returned to the
scroll?" - September 30, 2009
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim,
and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat. - September
28, 2009
I had just been cast in a film and was preparing to start shooting
when I was called for jury duty. It was to be a lengthy murder
trial, and I dreaded being selected for it. When it was my turn
to be interviewed, the State's attorney recognized me from my
work on television. He turned to me and, in a serious tone, asked,
"Have you ever played an attorney?" "Only in comedies," I replied.
I was dismissed. - September 28. 2009
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it
from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...
- September 25, 2009
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend
5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such
as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
September 24, 2009
Two Lions are eating a clown..
and then one lion says to the other..
.."This tastes funny". September 23, 2009
I asked a passenger at my airline check-in counter if he wanted
the smoking or non-smoking section. In heavily accented English
he replied that he preferred a non-smoking window. I told him
that the only window I had left was on the wing. He looked at
me with a horrified expression. "No, no!" he exclaimed.
"Inside the airplane inside the airplane." September
22, 2009
I am the director of a U.S. Army band. We often perform for various
community organizations, and we decided to give a concert at a
rest home. After we had played a few numbers for the patients,
most of whom were in wheelchairs or in need of special assistance,
I told them we would like to dedicate the next selection to them.
I turned to my lead alto-saxophone player and asked, "What's the
next tune you have listed?" He whispered, "|`Don't Get Around
Much Anymore." September 21, 2009
Her wedding was fast approaching, and my friend was delighted
to hear that her mom, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally
found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress. Two days later, she
was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother had purchased
the same dress. She asked her stepmother to buy another dress,
since her mom had already altered her purchase. Her stepmother
refused. After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's
mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would
serve. When asked by a friend what she would do with her original
dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner!" September 16, 2009
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit for driving
offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride,
they finally reached their destination.
"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the
car and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking
to you. I was talking to God."
SEPTEMBER 15, 2009
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous
sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something
like this:
Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot
answers the phone.
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, my name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?
Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper at first.
Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some
software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to
run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do
you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend
anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What
would I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you
don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping?
Do you have anything I can use to track my money?
Abbott: Sure, Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much
do I get?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click "START" - Friday - September 11, 2009
Phone songs
All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone.
Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.
Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633,
399621
Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121 - Friday Ocotber 10,2009
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why
don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink
of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must
be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll
give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under
the load of hay." Monday - September 7, 2009
Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year
the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of
the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him.
As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the
orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out.
"You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work,"
a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate
tonight." Thursday - September 4. 2009
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him
at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the
good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points
for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100
points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the
same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my
heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's
worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church
all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly
worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen
in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he
says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate
the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!" - Wednesday - September 3. 2009
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi,
who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the
light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the
light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of
stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone
in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation.
Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when
available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police
caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said
that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
- Tuesday - September 2. 2009
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the
importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to
get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the
room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries
a bag of golf clubs while she walks?" - Monday - September 1,
2009
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per
side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. - Friday - August
28, 2009
A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary
answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said,
"I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary
replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about
our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied,
"I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m
going to donate $1,000,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold
on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in." Tuesday
- August 25, 2009
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat
is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed
by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I
get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!" Monday
- August 24, 2009
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000
mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice
a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop
and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some
strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would
have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run
on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades
to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by
a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going
off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Friday - August 21, 2009
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah
blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting
a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You
only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for
a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but
I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a
bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The
genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom
of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!
No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to
think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been
married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't
care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand
women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when
they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying,
know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how
to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Thursday - August 20th, 2009
Billy had been a successful baseball pitcher in high school, and
the Los Angeles Dodgers offered him a minor-league contract. When
I met him two years later, we were both trainees at a prominent
stock-brokerage firm. As part of our orientation program, we had
to fill out questionnaires with information on our last jobs.
On his form, Billy wrote "Previous employer: Los Angeles Dodgers
Baseball Club. Reason for leaving: right and left-handed batters."
- Wednesday - August 19th, 2009
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great
statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all
the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very
cautiously and
announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us
sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather at the River’? Monday - August 18th -
2009
Amish Humor
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!" Monday - August 17th, 2009
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