Need a Laugh?
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: I recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is my hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) Ican make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, I apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but I thank them.

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh, "they’re all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - “That was the Pizza delivery guy”.

Linda bet me $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and I replied, ’I’ll take that bet!’

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so Linda gave me the $50 she owed.

But I finally said, ’I can’t take this, you’re my wife.’

Linda said ’No. A bet’s a bet’.

So I said ’Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money’.

Linda replied, ’Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!’

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!"

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The passenger sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

"What’s wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"

"I know," he groaned. "I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed David a bill for $600.

Dave exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"

The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:00 or the 10:00?"

The soldier was serving overseas and far from home. He was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement. She added insult to the injury by asking for her photograph back.

He collected from his friends all of the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note:

Jane,

’Regret I can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others.’

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you."

They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff’s lawyer sure had me worried."

"How’s that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They’re moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

"But, Linda, you are not wearing any of those things."

"True enough," said Linda. "But If I should predecease Wild Bill, I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry."

The little boy said, "Dad I don't like the holes in the cheese!"

"Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of the plate."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, ’I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.’

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, ’I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.’ He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, ’Why didn’t anyone just say so.’

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, ’I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.’

September 2, 2010
BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform

upon which he was standing collapsed."

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What..." answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

"Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back."

"You’re on, old man," the braggart replied.

"Let’s see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ’did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ’did not’ take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ’do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ’do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said, "Now that is what I call faith!"

"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.

"Do you have a fax machine?"

The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."

"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg’s rear window. "I want you to know that I’ve had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.

The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

The womAn watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. ’Pardon me,’ she said. ’But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.’

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle said, ’Polish Remover’?"

"Good Day Mrs Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing" The woman says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we’ll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?", the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like".

After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have eaten all your alomonds. I’ll have to replace them next time I visit."

To which Mrs Smith replied, "Oh don’t bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it’s all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

When we got back home, my son sat down at the computer. In a few minutes he called me over and said, "There's something wrong with my glasses."

"What's the problem?"

"I can see the computer better, but I still can't read."

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now.......

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes. "You’re a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ’I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!"

"May I speak to your parents?"

"They’re busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The police."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They’re busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The firemen."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They’re busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?"

"Looking for me."

The farmer replied, "No, I didn’t knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".

The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the Grand Ol' Opry now".

As you can imagine, it was a tense time for our family.

But one day, the phone rang and our teenage son answered. It was the hospital with good news. "Dad" he yelled excitedly, "Your parts are in!"

The young man ran over and took the paper out of his hand. "Oh yes sir," he said, "it’s quite simple." He then fed the piece of paper into the shredder.

"Thank you, son," the boss said. "A couple of copies will be fine."

"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It’s my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It’s a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

And God replied, "A second".

Then the man asked, "How much is 10 million dollars for you?"

And God replied again, "A penny."

So, the man asked him one more question, "So, God could you give me a penny?"

God said, "Sure, one sec."

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand there.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.

I am having an out of money experience.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

"Why don't you ever do that?" asked Linda!.

"Honey," I replied, "I don't even know that woman!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - “That was the Pizza delivery guy”.

He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he’s driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies!"

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said Mel Fassio.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee" replied his wife Darlene

"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore." said Bonnie Eckert in the loudest voice of the group.

"I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said Carolyn Eckert, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed Tom Lumsden.

"I can’t even remember what I’m doing half the time; if I don’t make myself a note I forget what I am trying to do in the first place" chimed Edna Lumsden.

"I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old," winced Ron Walker as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence..."Well, it’s not that bad," said my 95 year old mom Hilda Ochsner cheerfully. "Thank the Lord we can all still drive."

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

"Why don't you do that?" said the Linda.

"Honey," I repled, "I don't even know that woman!

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The judge looked at Chin-Chin’s lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."

"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn’t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word ’panda’ in the dictionary, you’ll have no choice but to agree."

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt!

This one year Linda and I went to the fair and I said, "Linda, I'm 64 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Linda replied, "Wild Bill, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard us and said, "Wild Bill & Linda, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Linda & I agreed and up we go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to me and says, "Wild Bill, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

I replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Linda fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."

The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,’’How do you like it Dad?’’

The dad doesn’t want to hurt the little boy’s feelings so he says, ’’This is....something else, I’ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.’’

The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ’’Drink some more Pops.’’

As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,’’Hey! Why did you put army men in here?’’

The little boy again smiles and sings,’’The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.’’

A few weeks ago we had just gotten into bed when I noticed Linda taking an extra amount of time smoothing out her nightgown, then pulling up the covers and smoothing them out, and then finally going to work smoothing out her pillow.

After watching all this activity for a while, I finally asked, "What are you doing?"

"Well," Linda replied, "I don't like to sleep on wrinkles."

I replied. "At our age Linda, how can you avoid it?"

The next morning, I woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and I had missed my flight. Furious , I was about to go and see why Linda hadn't wakened me, when I noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend, Betty, had taught her husband Art to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty, Art would be able to care for himself.

Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"

After considering that possibility for a moment, Wild Bill said happily, "I'd move in with Art."

February 3, 2010
When I was in Council, Idaho last weekend, I stayed with Pastor Robert & Diane at their house. I complained the whole weekend about having to sleep upstairs at one end of the house and the bathroom was downstairs at the other end of the house. I told his congregation that it was cruel and unusual punishment when I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. So I sent him & Diane this e-mail a few minutes ago.

Howdy Pastor Robert! Last night I dreamt I was still sleeping at your house in Council. I had to go to the bathroom and so I started that long walk to the other end of the house. When I got there it was real cold in the bathroom as usual. All of a sudden I woke up with the shouts of some guy! It was my neighbor three blocks down from our house yelling at me to stop going to the bathroom in his yard. He had a gun, but thank the Lord he didn't use it.

Next time, you and Diane are sleeping upstairs!

God Bless You Two and thank you for everything! Wild Bill

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

“Why complain Wild Bill?” said the counselor, “You’re still getting the same service!”

Jacob: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers yes.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

"Look, Wild Bill, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," I told him. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don’t worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young man insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God."

Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.

Linda: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the Arts & Crafts channel.

“Why complain?” said the counselor, “You’re still getting the same service!”

Linda continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

I knew just what I was going to do. On the big day, I got up early and made Linda a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then I took her to an amusement park where we rode all the rides. Five hours later, Linda's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, I took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Linda wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, I asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Linda looked up at me. Her expression changed. She said, "Wild Bill, I meant my dress size!"

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched Wild Bill drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," Linda replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup."

Needless to say, I wasn't very happy with Linda whn I woke up!

"Linda," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the Linda. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, Linda said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

"My husband and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at Linda and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

"Can’t you see, Ben," intoned Pastor John, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.

And the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no...

'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...

"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because, I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!"

November 20, 2009
HOld Age Quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" I exclaimed. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

As we passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, I sarcastically asked, 'Are they relatives of yours?'

'Yes,' Linda replied. 'I married into the family.'

Linda was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" Linda asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

Linda promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So Linda is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when I, Wild Bill, approaches the gates, and she realizes it is me.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

I stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," Linda replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" I asked.

Linda responded, "Czechoslovakia."

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died.

I married his widow.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in the whole world.

The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and vuala... that summer he was in Disney Land.

The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.

The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.

Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.

The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you".

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.

"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor after spotting the growth during inspection. "What's so special about your nose that it's got to be underlined?"

The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."

I was so impressed since they had been married almost 50 years. While Trudy & Linda were off in the kitchen, I said to Dave, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

Dave just sort of hung his head. "To tell you the truth Wild Bill, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

Like last night Linda said, "Wild Bill, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," I said, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said Linda, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," I replied. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said Linda.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," I said. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, I shut the kitchen door behind me. Linda could hear me getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with my preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. I emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to Linda, I presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. Linda took one look at the plate, glanced up at me and said, "Wild Bill, , where's the toast?"

October 6th - 2009 - One day Linda came up to me and told me that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" I asked.
"No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told me that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" I asked.
"No," she said again.
A few minutes later she came back and told me the toilet was backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
A couple of days later I went on a business trip.
When I came back I asked how things had been.
"Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" I wondered.
"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told ME.
"What did you do?" I asked.
She looked at me smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"

2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4.Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.

5.Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

6.Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen... - September 25, 2009

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, my name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?
Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper at first.
Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?
Abbott: Sure, Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click "START" - Friday - September 11, 2009

Phone songs
All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121 - Friday Ocotber 10,2009

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." Monday - September 7, 2009

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!" - Wednesday - September 3. 2009

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" - Tuesday - September 2. 2009

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and

announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:

'Shall We Gather at the River’? Monday - August 18th - 2009

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!" Monday - August 17th, 2009